Monday Humor – The Facebeat

Hi guys! How was the weekend? Too short eh? But we still gotta do what we gotta do, right? So during the weekend, I realized I didn’t have any story in my head for today’s Monday humor post. How is that even possible? My life is one series of funny events!(Not always funny to me though) But alas, I was blank. Not for long though. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the harmattan winds howling fiercely and rattling the windows in the house. Brrrr! Terrible stuff! As I was about diving back into the blankets I had a flash back to another harmattan, exactly eleven months ago……

I was a youth corps member serving in a rural part of Benue state at the time. I’d been there for a couple of months and felt I had acclimatized. Until the harmattan came upon us. One would think I wouldn’t be too bothered; I after all went to uni in Nsukka, which is known for its phenomenal harmattan cold and accompanying “fog”. I learnt the hard way that compared to the harmattan in Benue, that of Nsukka was still “learning work”. Keep a slice of bread on the table and blink, and you would be left with a slab of concrete. It was so dry, your spit could dry up before it hit the ground. I kid, I kid. But it was indeed terrible. The dryness was unbelieveable! And the cold? God knows why he made me a Nigerian oh, because if winter is said to be worse than the harmattan which we complain of, then I can only wonder what winter is like. Everyone went about wearing sweaters and socks and I am sure every Sunday in church during that period, we must have had more than a few people with unwashed bodies; all for the fear of harmattan’s bite.

But then I digress. In my LGA of Benue state, we had no bank. Unbelievable right? I know, I know. Even I don’t know how I survived without a bank around for almost a year. So in my LGA( Ugba town in Logo LGA), the corps members and anyone else who needed to use a bank would have to “travel” to the next LGA(Ukum LGA) to use the ATM machine. We usually did this once or twice a month to reduce the stress of moving around unnecessarily. Sometimes you could have company, especially if it was market day (which coincided with our CDS day)but other times everyone would be forming broke and beg you to help them withdraw. One could leave for Zaki-Biam town in Ukum with as much as 6 atm cards!

So on this day, I really had to withdraw some cash as I had run out. No one wanted to go with me and so I had to do my thing solo. I didn’t want to go because the cold and dust was on another level that day. I took one look at the okada riders and my liver fail me. They looked like they had been rolled in sand over and over again. I chalked it up to the fact that they must have plied the Ugba-Zaki Biam route many times and I felt pity for them. Imagine having to breathe all this dust to make a living. This harmattan is not nice. But yours truly took just one look at her wallet and knew she was playing. I HAD to go. So I took a deep breath and walked to the taxi park. No taxis. Ewo. It had finally come to this. I had to take a motorcycle. So I said warraheck and got on one. As we went along, the wind played with my hair and I began to compose a poem in my mind. crazy much? Even though it was cold, I was well protected by my sweater and so got lost in wonder as I looked at the once green countryside that had now gone totally brown.

 In no time I had arrived my destination so I jumped down and dusted myself hastily. I got to the ATM machine and found people gathered round it speaking Tiv rapidly. Even though they all looked at me weirdly, I gathered that the machine had given up few minutes ago. I quietly slinked into the banking hall before it would occur to them to crowd the hall in order to try withdrawing over the counter. In the bank, I got talking with the customer service guy and I was surprised he was smiling so openly while speaking to me. That was unusual of him. He was always business-like every time I came there. I shrugged it away and proceeded to collect my cash. While in line though, I had noticed that the people around were looking at me strangely, but I decided to ignore them. It isn’t unusual to be stared at as a corps member in a rural area, especially when in uniform, which I was. So I shrugged it off, took my money and left. As I entered the security doors while exiting the bank, I thought I heard someone make a statement in Tiv and everyone laughed while looking in my direction, but I couldn’t be sure it was me they were laughing at, so I smiled too and left.

Another bike ride later, I was home. whew! Thank God that was over. I entered the house, and found my roommate asleep. While taking off my sweater, I saw a reflection of myself in the mirror. And I screamed!!! I looked like this:

source

As I yelled dramatically, my roommate woke up and asked what the matter was. I told her and she only laughed her head off while I continued in my hysteria. OMG! No wonder the customer service guy had been so friendly suddenly. And the people had probably been laughing at me!!!
Oh the shame! The shame! The shame! Such mean people! And no one had thought to tell me either! I smacked my head comically several times, only serving to fuel my roommate’s laughter. I really resembled the boy up there, and I couldn’t wrap my mind around that fact. I mean, I’d left the house looking like a diva, makeup and everything! The gel in my hair had only made the situation worse; it served as an adhesive, attracting all the dust that came my way and packing them on my head. Was it my lashes? I hadn’t any. They were completely brown and blended into my face. Chai. What a mean world.
I still laugh privately in embarrassment whenever I remember. Hehe. Have a great week, amigo!
Fin

I hope the story above made you laugh. A reader suggested I request other readers to contribute stories to the Monday Humor column, to enable some variety. I quite agree. So if you have funny personal stories you would like to share, do send it in an email to bugovidase@gmail.com.

The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can take –  Douglas Engelbart

7 thoughts on “Monday Humor – The Facebeat

  1. Hahahahahhahahhahahhaaaaaaa! Chibugo oooo! This is hilarious! I can only imagine what you looked like.

    Until I read this story, I never know there was a place in Nigeria called Zaki-Biam. I remember my dad's aunt usually travelling to buy yams for sale. She called the place Zakibion. Now I realize that she meant Zaki-biam. Loooool!

  2. hahahaha. I know that look so well. I had a similar experience sometime in the past. I cleaned up real good before I entered the bank. But I forgot the nostrils. That hole can pack up dust too.

  3. hahahaha. I know that look so well. I had a similar experience sometime in the past. I cleaned up real good before I entered the bank. But I forgot the nostrils. That hole can pack up dust too.

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