Another man’s meat

You probably don’t know it, but you have something someone else desires terribly.

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A gap in the teeth is an abnormality, a defect. So is a dimple. A genetic defect caused by shortened facial muscle, that one. But this is all anatomical balderdash. Tell this to the women in Aba who go to carvers to chisel out a gap in their teeth at a very high risk, or the girls who attempt surgery to create dimples on their cheeks. The long and short of it is that people look for ways to achieve said defects as an item of beauty. The beholder calls the shots after all.

A mole on the face or body is a defect. I have two on my neck, and that one above my lip. Spent hours in my childhood trying to remove it, till I saw a very beautiful woman put the exact same dot above her lip with black liner ; the final touch in her makeup. It didn’t look so much like a defect after that.

A fart is a fart is a fart.

Kembu, my sister, had an operation and was not allowed to eat any solid food till she was able to fart. For three days she was on intravenous fluid nutrition. How long can you stay away from eating actual food? On the third day, mother came into her hospital room and met her smiling, all 32 of her teeth almost walking around the room on their own. “Mummy, I farted!”, came the announcement, in the same tone of voice you’d announce, “Dad, I got into Harvard on a full scholarship!”

What is a fart again?

Oh, it’s that thing we all do but never want to admit we do. Biology says a healthy human makes about 4 to 14 successful attempts daily. Too smelly and “messy”(pun intended) to be spoken about. But somebody prayed to be able to do it.

7:45pm. She’s on Cele overhead bridge, stuck in traffic. Amid the sound of horns and drivers cursing at each other and hawkers calling out their wares, she takes off her stilettos and puts on her handy flip flops, alights from the bus and walks the rest of the distance, passing the cause of the traffic and crossing the road to take a tricycle to her final destination. A pair of eyes follows her every move hungrily from behind her tinted window, air conditioned luxury car. If one could just park on the bridge and return later to pick up her car…. She sighs and blares her horn even louder.

Life is a well spiced pot of ironical jollof, the party type.

Sincerely, Chibugo.

90s chick; nerd, humanitarian; lover of life, family, fashion, food, art and literature; Christian by birth and choice. In short, I’m like jollof rice: you’re gonna love me. 😉

What’s the best toasting punchline you’ve ever heard(or used)?

If you’ve heard Simi’s “Jamb Question” song, then you probably understand what I mean. This is the one thing that i don’t envy guys for, the fact that you have to think of something ingenuous to catch a lady’s attention. It reminds me of a sales class I once took, where we were made to try out different “elevator speeches” which had to get the attention of the prospect in about 30 seconds. People got really creative! But theory is always easier than practical, especially if you have the tendency to be tongue tied when on the spot!

So the other day when I heard Simi’s song again, the idea for this post popped into my head. What’s the best “toasting” punchline you’ve ever heard? I compiled a few I had experienced personally, so, awon boys, identify your category. I’m not looking for trouble, just being my usual cheeky self. The punchlines themselves aren’t weird per se, just laughable. To me anyway. Here goes….

  1. I’ve been watching you for some time now. I like everything about you, the way you walk, talk, your smile, your charisma, in fact, you actually seem too good to be true. Will you be the mother of my kids? Me: smilingly basking in the euphoria of being called “too good to be true”, till he gets to the “mother of my kids” part.sad scared eyes new girl surprisedNibo?! Oga how far na? I never even gree for girlfriend, we don enter labour room already! Chai! 😒 
  2. What’s your name? Okay where are you from? Really? So is your dad a titled chief?  What does he do for a living? Are you Catholic? Whats your genotype? And how old are you? Me:sunglasses dwayne johnson side eye eyebrow raise the rockEgbon, ees not that serious. We just met two hours ago. Sheesh.
  3. Has anybody ever told you how beautiful you are? You’re, honestly the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. Me:reactions serious no way jaw drop are you serious(jaw drop) Oya, collect this award. It’s either you’ve been living under a rock all your life, or you’re definitely the biggest liar I’ve ever seen.
  4. Do you believe in love at first sight? Me:nerd tumblr dan(in full geek mode)Weeeeeeeeeell, but then, a very high percentage of people are either long or short sighted, so…..(I didn’t really say this oh)
  5. Immediately I set my eyes on you, my heart told me,”This is your wife”. Me:reactions flirting flirt eyebrows smirkReally.  Tell me more. I didn’t know hearts could talk.
  6. You look familiar. Do you attend Watchman Church at Oshodi? Me:              eye roll krysten ritter eyeroll kill me bitch pleaseReally? With this full face of makeup I’ve got on? Jeez man! You can do better than that na! Hian!
  7. There is absolutely no reason why a beautiful damsel like you should be walking under this hot sun. Care for a ride? Me:rihanna eye roll fourfivesecondsThat’s sweet. Thank you, but I’m right in front of my gate.
  8. Do you have a sister called Harmony? You don’t? But your name is Sylvia right? No? So what’s your name? Me:obama nod nodding not badWell played! Sharp guy!

Please oh my people, I’m not trying to slight anyone, this is just for us to share a few laughs. You have to love our boys for trying hard. I mean, think… What if you were in their shoes?  Chai. The great thing is, many successful relationships have emerged from these seeming “jamb questions”, so don’t be so critical abeg.

And erm, these replies, most of them were given in my head. In real life, of course I’d just give a very proper, polite reply. 😄

Please brethren and sistren, don’t laugh alone, share with your friends! And please share your own stories in the comments section, whether you were the toaster or the toastee….😉

Kisses, hugs and hot puff puff,

Chibugo.

90s chick; nerd, humanitarian; lover of life, family, fashion, food, art and literature; Christian by birth and choice. In short, I’m like jollof rice: you’re gonna love me. 😉