Why you should never say #relationshipgoals

Screenshot_2016-04-30-17-37-27Everyone, or almost everyone, has heard of the huge mess made when the marriage of  one of Nigeria’s celebrity couples Tiwa Savage and TeeBillz Balogun went South. No one saw it coming, and, to be honest, I had to stop reading about it at some point because it seemed like I was hearing/reading too much about a family’s private affair, and I want to retain the respect I have for Tiwa. And so I backed off.

Not that it saved them from anything, in fact, we all know how Nigerians love a good gossip, don’t we? BellaNaija and Linda Ikeji had a field day as their readers dissected the matter, insulted one or both parties, took sides with one or both parties, or simply relished the fact that celebrities weren’t so infallible after all. Look up there. On a good day, comments per post on bellanaija are between 20 and 200 for a very interesting post. Right now, there are more than 500 comments on one post about this issue, and more are still coming.

In my little corner, I had a little flashback: to when the wedding took place. Dubai wedding, adorable bridal shower, A-list celebrity attendance, echetaram echetaram. Every Nigerian girl’s dream. I had lost count of how many #couplegoals and #relationshipgoals hash tags I came across online during that period. On bellanaija I had seen comments like “Baba God I’m waiting for my own TeeBillz”, and all such nonsense. To be honest, what I admired the most was Tiwa’s traditional wedding attire. Period. I could understand that with the “scarcity of good husbands”  *cough cough*, people would be wishing for exactly what they saw online, without knowing the story behind the smile.

And that’s the exact reason you should never say #relationshipgoals. No one is ready to tell you the dark side to their different relationships, and so you can only evaluate from the “To-match Asoebi”, the shiny Instagram shots, the gift display on social media, the foreign trips, and so on. Nothing will ever prepare you for the diverse kinds of demons people are battling in their various relationships.

An acquaintance once told me of her experience when her and her (very average earning) husband were walking to the bus stop to take a bus to a wedding. They were well dressed, but not in the official Asoebi of the day because they couldn’t afford it as they were both running expensive higher degree programs at the time. As they walked, they saw a beautiful couple pass by in their tear rubber jeep, dressed in the very Asoebi. She looked on in envy. They had everything she wished for. She mentioned to her husband, “I love that couple so much. If only we could be like them. ” He looked at her mysteriously and smiled, but said nothing. Later in the day, while the wedding owanbe was in full swing, she mentioned the same thing to another friend, and the friend dramatically covered her mouth in full amebor  fashion.” You wish what!!!? ” Let me tell you before you wish yourself death, that that man was responsible for the loss of her last pregnancy when he almost beat her to a coma, and he cheats on her serially without remorse. Every one knows this, so I’m surprised you’re saying something so foolish. Don’t be deceived by all the appearances oh! Ees wash ooh! Even while they were coming in, they had a small fight at the entrance to the parking lot. They had to park on one side while a family friend came to make peace between them before they came in. Abi is it by To-match Asoebi that you evaluate the success of a marriage? Don’t be stupid abeg. ”

You see, in most rumors, there are elements of truth. That night her husband confirmed almost all that her amebor  friend had told her and she shuddered. To think that she had been wishing for THAT!

People, be careful what you wish for. Not everything is as it seems and no two relationships are the same. Work on your own relationships and goals, and see it all blossom. Don’t even pattern your relationships against 25 year marriages because in this day and age, even 30 year old marriages break up for stupid reasons. Admire them, and let them be.

Another thing: it is actually possible to have a successful relationship without the validation of social media. It isn’t every time you have a fight or have issues to sort that you need to spill it for everyone to see. Though I’m not married, I do know for a fact that marriage wahala can be terrible but trust me, social media will only make it all worse.

If you have something to add which you think might be helpful, let us know in the comments.

I am really heartbroken for Tiwa. I hope they work it all out.

Love, Chibugo.

OLAJUMOKE ORISAGUNA COULD BE YOU!

 

From this….

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Olajumoke the bread seller walking into the shoot

To this….. 😀

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Olajumoke… Now the subject of a shoot!

Can you tell that I’m really excited putting up this post? It’s about 4 days late but the message behind it is never late.

I follow T. Y. Bello on Instagram and on Sunday she put up a series of posts about this grass to grace story of a young lady called Jumoke. Now, Tinie Tempah was in Lagos for a shoot, and ace photographer T. Y. Bello decided on a street themed shoot for him. While the shoot was going on, an Agege bread seller happened to walk by and even as she was trying to walk fast out of the scene of the shoot, T. Y. Bello urged her to be slower so she could capture the presence of the Agege bread seller. To her, she was simply adding some spice to the photo, trying her darnedest to capture the essence of “the real Lagos”; little did she know that she had just discovered a diamond in the midst of dirt.

Fast-forward to the publication of the shoot. Everyone kept asking: who is the model beside Tinie? Is she a Nigerian? Why isn’t she popular already.? She’s a natural! Boom! A star had been born. T. Y. Bello instigated a search on social media for this Agege bread seller who had photo-bombed her way into everyone’s heart, and of course, she was found. (The power of social media!)

Meanwhile, Jumoke our Agege bread seller had continued with her business of selling hot bread on the streets of Yaba. The day of the shoot was just another day with a weird occurrence. But alas! Going along and minding her business, she was one day presented with her own photo by someone(a customer, I presume) who had stumbled upon the picture on Facebook. Jumoke coincidentally happened to be wearing the very same dress she wore on the day of the shoot, and so she was easily spotted.

She was taken to the studio where T. Y. Bello’s intuition was confirmed. The girl was a natural model. Her short curly hair extensions were removed by top hairstylist Zuby to reveal a beautiful short afro, while she was given an amazing makeover by Internationally known makeup artist, Bimpe Onakoya.

Know this: Jumoke is a 27 year old mother of two, who left her sliding door-installer husband in Ire, Osun state with her five year old child due to hard times to come to Lagos with her 14-month old baby and try to make a living, hawking bread from a relative’s bakery.  Her dream is to be a hairstylist and to one day act in a Yoruba movie. She speaks little English but communicates fluently in Yoruba. Currently, as a result of the buzz she generated from the shoot, Jumoke is now close to starting an internship at Make me Salon and has been offered an additional internship at Sari’s signature, a famous Lebanese salon on the Island.

To pay Jumoke her first model fee from her first gig in front of the camera, she was paid exactly what a top Nigerian model would be paid. She’s been offered a modelling contract with the help of Godson Ukagbu from FEW Models. She has also had Pay Porte reach out to her to be a model on their next billboard campaign. A mentor of T. Y ‘s has offered to foot the bill for her accommodation, education, as well as her child’s, making it possible for her to be reunited to her husband and older child.

Just as T. Y. Bello concluded, it may seem accidental but it’s definitely divine. This event was definitely a miracle. You can follow her on Instagram @tybello to read the whole story and get its details.Screenshot_2016-02-11-18-45-05.png

Now, here are a few things I learned from this event:

1.You may have a dream but lack the resources to make it come through at the moment. This is no excuse to relax and become lazy, relying only on dreams. Jumoke knew she had to make a move to at least survive. That was why she came to Lagos. Survival is the key to staying alive long enough to sustain and achieve your dream. Do something! You never know, that next step you take might be your breakthrough.

2. Make a move to survive and sustain your dream but remain legit! Jumoke sold bread. How much does the average bread seller earn daily.? It can’t be more than what some of us pay for a bowl of coldstone ice cream. Yet she wasn’t tempted to dabble in less noble trades*if you get what I mean*.

3. Above all, be true to yourself. This particular lesson I learnt from Bello herself. That woman has been my role model for as long as I can remember and I’m glad it’s so. Remember her from her days in KUSH together with Lara George and the third lady whose name I can’t remember? Their song,”Come let’s live together” still packs a powerful message today.

Head on to Instagram to get the full gist. You’ll be glad you did.

This “Falantine” breeze is blowing hard oh. Hmm. See you in my next post… Really soon.

Kisses, hugs and kuli kuli,

Sincerely, Chibugo.

10 kinds of people you are bound to meet on social media

social media picAfter I was made by my computer teacher to open my first email address at 10, I had nothing else to do with the Internet media until my late teens when I decided to follow the trend called Facebook. Since then, it’s been from one social media app to the other. Whatsapp, BBM, Twitter, Instagram, come to think of it, I really think I should leave some of these sites. They’re the biggest time swallowers!

In my years of using social media, I’ve come across so many different kinds of users. And oh, as an aside, I found out one creepy fact: we all use social media to stalk each other. Whether it’s to stalk  people we know via Facebook, or people we don’t know via Instagram, social media just helps the stalking ministry. Lol. Warning! This is a long post!

I grouped us all into 10. Oya, Identify your group(s).

1. The BC senders : If you are a BC sender raise up your hand. *raises hand*. Okay, I’m not the kind of annoying BC sender who sends all those “If you love Jesus send this to 20 people on your contact list, but if you don’t, it means you love satan”, or “type Amen to claim your blessing” kinda BC sender. I actually detest getting such messages and I regard then as I would spam. Once or twice I’ve sent really funny or very meaningful BCs especially when they contained a message I didn’t know how else to convey. Also, since I started blogging actively., I’ve had reason to flood all my social media pages and contacts with links to my blog. How we for take do naah? There’s no other way to move the ministry. I’m sorry for annoying you with those links and I apologize in advance for those I will still send. 😀 Tainkiu for bearing with me.

2. The updaters, aka jobless pipu:  I really don’t know how they do it, but these people manage to flood my updates section with about 20 updates in an hour. I still wonder how someone will siddon and just be putting pictures , removing pictures, update one thing, change it to another thing, and repeat the process all over again without getting tired. Do you live on social media? O ma se ooh!  Kontinu. *side eye to all of them *

3. The thankers :  This group just makes me laugh. Someone sends you a friend request on Facebook and when you accept, you get a message on your wall that looks like this: “Thank you for your acceptment of my friendship my lovely sister. God bless you. Welcome to my world”. Really? All this greeting on top Facebook friend request? I could know all I wanted to know about you without even checking out your friend request. Wetin dey your world? Abeg shift joor. It’s not like I just accepted to marry you. Lol. Or you ‘like’ someone’s picture and you get a response:”Thanks for your likes my friends” *facepalm* Duhhh! You can thank the fellas by liking their own photos when they post ’em! Sheesh! Next!

4. The shortformers: The people in this group annoy me to no end. You start a conversation with “Xup” or  “Ow u dn” and expect someone to understand you? The one I got recently that made me vex  was “I”. When I saw it, I thought the person wanted to make a sentence but mistakenly sent “I”. So I waited for the rest of the conversation, but got nothing. I sent a couple of question marks to indicate I didn’t understand and he explained  that he was just saying hi.  *In sisiyemmie’s voice* Nonsense and ingredients!!! Lazy pipu! So you know where letter H is and you decide to torment someone’s eyes by typing horrible shortforms ? Take ya  time! The same goes for those who deliberately shorten things that they have no business shortening, example kkk meaning OK; (Last I heard, kkk meant Ku Klux Klan: go and find out what that stands for), Jixox, meaning Jesus ;m cmn hm, meaning I’m coming home, etc. Correct your self or stay away from me. Nuff said.

5. The swearers/x-rated peeps: I once had a friend on BBM who was the oga of F-word usage. He also had the nasty habit of putting up Pornographic images as his display picture. I can’t have such people on my contact list now can I? The day any of my younger siblings will want to do amebor by opening my social media pages through my phone, how will I explain that one? I can’t have someone draining the small anointing I still have. Get behind me Satan! *sprinkles holy water on laptop and phones*

6. The advertisers: Have you ever been on a celebrity’s Instagram page? She could put up a very wonderful post that generates a lot of likes and reposts from fans, and when you go to the comments section you see things that are totally unrelated like:” Get your waist trainers at very affordable rates and get that look you’ve been craving. All sizes available. Simply call 0804xxxxxxx. BB pin IS ABCDEFG. A trial will convince you. ” All I can do is El Oh El. 😀 Eees not dia fault. Na traffic dem dey find ni.

7.The perpetually busy ones/The ignorers : You will message these ones respectfully after work hours and not get any response. The painful part is that your message will deliver, they will be online, change dp and pm, but your message will remain unread. All of you that do this, Jesus is watching you all in 7D. I am a busy person myself, and I know I do my own share of ignoring, especially during work hours, but I would never be that mean. Shiorrrrr 

8. TMI  peeps: She  go shit, she update message to tell us. Her boyfriend buy her shawarma, she snap am upload, con describe how the date be. She buy shoe, she upload am. She buy new Brazilian hair, of course we hafto know. If she con travel go Dubai nko ?Oghene me!  We gon be updated from takeoff to touch down and for the entire duration of the trip. Trust that we will also see all the stuff she bought when shopping. People like this just need the public to know them as cool people. I think that’s plain dumb. After putting up all that info about your personal life in people’s faces, don’t start wailing about haters when they come at you, coz they will. And oh, TMI  means too much information.

9. The prayer warriors: I’m actually cool with this group, just that sometimes the prayers get a little too aggressive and scary that I just quietly tiptoe/moonwalk away.

10. The taggers: I really don’t know what to do about this group. You will just jejely be in one corner with your chewing stick, minding your business and the next thing you will receive a notification that you have been added to one kain group on Facebook, whatsapp, or so. Recently I was added to one group called “What a miserable world we live in”. Whaaaaaat! O.o The speed I used to remove myself from the group ehn, na die. Biko don’t add people to groups without their permission abeg. Especially when you guys are not so close as friends. Ema binu.

Speak the truth and shame the devil ooh. What group do you belong to? Do you think I left any group out? Don’t spoil the fun, Add it in the comments!

Till my next post, kizzez, hugs and kulikuli. 

 

Monday Humor: Crushed Crush!

Sharrat to Somtochukwu for contributing this story. I got kinda caught up with work and she was up for the challenge! Enjoy!

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Somto is currently doing a Masters degree in UNN.#Chibugothefamzer. Now, she has this friend, a male friend, Ore* who has an incurable addiction to sugar. I do not know if that was the cause of the mishap I’m about writing about, but I will have to include this since something sugary was going on at the time of this mishap.

According to her, when they were preparing for the second semester examinations last year, as usual, everyone had a quiet place or hideout where they got comfortable to read. The higher degree hostel has a reading room shared by its inhabitants, and it is a perfect place to study. Her friend decided to get comfortable and jack* his brains out. Of course he was accompanied by a sugary friend, cake icing! I mean, who even does that? Lmao!

In the same hostel, there was this girl, Cecilia*. Ore has a humongous crush on Cecilia. At the time of this occurrence, he had firmly made up his mind to speak to her really soon. He balanced in his chair, reading, and licking cake icing.  Ewwww. Everywhere was so silent, you could hear a pin drop. Cecilia happened to be in the same reading room, and she must have been tired of reading or just wanted to take a break or something like that, because she stood up and was packing her things. The next second was a moment of great confusion as Ore unconsciously let out a FART! Of course everyone turned to stare at the source of such a blatant distraction! Cecilia included! Permit me to use the same words Ore used to describe this incident to her: “I don’t know the devil that was after me that day ooo, because all of a sudden, out of nowhere, what I heard was POW!!! I had “messed”!! It wasn’t loud; it was thunderous!!! Its hard to believe such a sound came from me. Next thing I knew, all eyes were on me, including Cecilia’s! There and then, I knew I had lost the chance to speak to her about how I felt. And I really like that girl. 🙁 . Now I don’t even greet her, I just do my best to avoid her, and whenever we bump into each other, I just “eyes right” cos I get really uncomfortable.” 

I don laff soteey water finish for my eye. 😀 As touching as this story is, I couldn’t help but see the humorous side of it. Abeg, make una help us advise our friend Ore on top this mata. Should he keep avoiding her or just brave it? Hehe. Feel free to leave a suggestion in the comments.

We canno coman kee ourselves with depression as Nigeria don loss her budget on top the situation wen we dey complain about. Like I always say, Nigerian politics is like an unending seasonal movie, keep watching out for the next season. From #Dasukigate to #missing2016budget, the story line keeps improving. Lol. I’ve made a resolution not to take the political atmosphere to heart too much. I’m too young to have hypertension.Don’t sue me. Please, laugh away the stress and have a fantabulous week ahead!

Flatulence is the international language. Speak it with your anus. Hear it through your ears. Listen through your nose.― Jarod Kintz

*Ore, *Cecilia : Not real names

*jack: Nigerian slang for study

Monday Humor : Pepper soup!

The witches from my village said there would be no Monday Humor post today, but Jesus said no. Here we are finally. It’s been a very hectic day at work for me, I apologize for the late post. Thank God for mobile devices, as I’m actually typing on the go. So whether you’re on the way home from work, class, or already relaxed at home, here’s one for you.

Kembu my big sister got married a couple years ago and during their honeymoon months, her and her husband made it a point of duty to try out all the restaurants in their new neighborhood. Turns out there was this pepper soup joint that they had been hearing about from friends for a long time. So they decided to hang out there one night.

Kembu made her order and her hubby decided to listen to the band first before making his order. After a few spoons of the soup, she complained. “these people want to kill somebody with pepper oh!  Haba”! Her eyes were already beginning to water and her nose was running freely. To which her hubby absently replied,” you just don’t know how to eat peppersoup. You’re not supposed to be taking a sweet drink with it. Stop complaining joor”. Kembu looked at him and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Just negodu this guy saying she doesn’t know how to eat peppersoup! She who qualifies as a master peppersoup eater! Chai!

In full retaliation gear now, she asked him sweetly, “won’t you make your order dear?”, and he did. It only took one spoon to remove his entire attention from the band.  He was sputtering all over the place. “Blood of Jesus!”  He yelled, looking around and rubbing his head in shock as his mouth hung open. “Kembu, is this what you’ve been eating all this time? Are you human at all”? Seeing her expressionless face, he directed his anger elsewhere. His eyes were already tearing up and his nose was running. After just one spoon. Chai! Their peppery dinner was left untouched as they left the restaurant in a haste.

In the car, he continued his tirade at the management of the place. As they reversed and got into the main road, he realized how silent Kembu was. He looked over at her, and in the dark interior of the car, all he could see were her eyes sparkling with suppressed mirth. She maintained a straight face and replied drily: “You just don’t know how to eat pepper. Stop complaining joor”. He shook his head, remembering that he used the same sentence few minutes ago. It was his turn to be confused as to whether to laugh or cry.

Revenge is sweet 😀

As any wife or husband knows, it(marriage) requires a whole lot of love and an unflappable sense of humor. – Kristine Solomon.

When did our entertainment industry become so over-sexualized?

frowny faceI was watching television some time ago after taking a long break from it and it struck me that no one was safe anymore. No one is safe from being bombarded with sex from every corner. You watch the telly, its there, right in your face: girls try to outdo themselves in music videos, getting naked and wiggling all their body parts in your face. To what end? You know what really pains me? The men in these same videos are usually well dressed. Overdressed, even. The movie industry isn’t left out. While walking the streets one day, I came across some posters for Nigerian movies. Practically all the girls on it were semi-nude. Nobody told me to keep moving. I mentioned this to someone and he said: “Its simple, sex sells.”

Okay, so sex sells. So what? That means somebody cannot watch secular stations on television anymore? Honestly, those ratings of 16 or PG13 no longer make any sense because they may have as well put them on the usual 18 range. Even the lyrics of most of the reigning jams in town always contain questionable lines. My question is that, since these stars know that they are role models to many young people in the society, and they also claim to want a “morally upright” society, why do they not moderate their lines? To make more sales? The women that subject themselves to such silliness are the reason men will never take us seriously when we scream women empowerment.

I was listening to my baby sister, Kiisa, gleefully singing one of the recently released Nigerian songs and I was horrified when I heard the lyrics coming out of her nine-year old mouth. These people will not let these children preserve their innocence! She probably didn’t really understand the words she was singing, but one day too soon, she would find out. This is how young boys and girls start from hearing, to doing. Na from clap e dey take enter dance. Later we complain about the rate of rape cases in the society. Nigeria is a secular country, true. I just appeal to our entertainers to be a little more G-rated and less 18-rated. It is not everything that Oyibo people do that we must copy, I beg una. Parents too, should devise a means of monitoring what their children watch on television. I’m not saying shield them from everything concerning sex, but really, many of these entertainers are up to no good. Kids’ constant exposition to over-sexualized entertainment will make them take a lot of things as normal, which aren’t normal at all. This isn’t just for kids. Even as adults, our moral standards erode when we are constantly in the midst of what is the exact opposite of what we stand for.

Father always says, “When a goat that doesn’t know how to sneak into the barn to eat yam tubers moves in the company of one that does, he soon learns to do so”. Kiisa and her older sister Kiisi will have to stick to Nickelodeon, Disney junior, and an occasional trip to Africa Magic Family. Every other thing will be monitored, as far as I’m concerned.

 

An elder will not be at home while a she-goat gives birth still in her tether. – Igbo Proverb